my cat is dead

my babu is dead

i watched him take a step 
     back down to the dry food and miss
the top stair with both paws
he fell and my baby rolled 
     one, 
two, three, four, 
     five, six, times
     hit the wall 
he wanted to make sure
     mama knew he was alright 
he was strong enough to make it 
     so he got up
and tumbled down to the ground floor,
crashed into the shoe rack

     he never wanted to see me cry.

i should have dove after him,
    grabbed him in midair like an action hero
let my back crack instead of his
     he went, two paws first
always so very careful. 
     two paws first,
he always wanted to be the most cautious cat
    on the block
terrified to fall, 
     bloodcurdling when he did

he died in a house that loved him,
     he built his community with nothing 
but his soft meow.

i’ll never know a living creature who knew me
     the way he did
two kids, survived two abusive households, 
except my baby didn’t make it the way
     his mama did
he didn’t make it. covid and neglect killed him
     he left me alone.
     he left me, all alone.
there’s no poem here, not really, 
     babu never needed to be hidden 
     by a metaphor
i fell in love the moment i saw him
i fell in love the moment i smelled his sweet breath
     kicking his rabbit feet, trying to escape
his little collar, 
     the teal one with yellow ducklings on it

today,
     everyone i know must be holding their 
cats, dogs, whatever pets
     close. 
but my baby, 
     my baby, 
     the love of my life,
     the greatest loss of my life,
my babu,
my jaan,
     he’s the reason they’re all so nervous
still, my babu is dead. 
he is dead
dead
dead
dead
dead
dead.

d
e
a
d
(and gone)
    
you know, 
i’m half convinced he is sleeping upstairs 
     hoping we’ll forget to bathe him 
     or cut his nails 
and i simply forgot.

allah hafiz, beautiful
i don’t care what anyone tells me 
     you are my son
     and you deserve your janazah, 
my dear.
you deserve your janazah,
     dear

(inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.)